Where do I go From Here?

Despite the title of this post, I regret to inform my readers that this is most definitely NOT a reference to the fantabulous New Kids on the Block single of yesteryear.  This is about feeling lost, which is EXACTLY how I feel about my health right now.

I really should start at the last post - which was in November.  I CANNOT even begin to express my gratitude towards everyone for the support I received "coming out" with my diagnosis.  Each and every post made me cry, just when I thought that I was out of tears after telling everyone what was going on with me.  It's great to know I have a support system when I really was thinking I was all alone.  Just so you all know, I'm likely to call on you again for support, because I'm going to have a lot of days ahead that require a lot of support.

Since the last blog, I've been pretty decent staying off the soda.  I've had a few lapses, but for the most part it's water, or diet, which makes me wanna barf.  As for vegetables, and everything else, I've done horribly.  I started out trying to watch my portions, and watch my sugars and carbs, like the doctor told me to.  I ran into a problem right away.  I can watch carbs and sugars all damn day long, but if no one tells me HOW MANY I should consume as a diabetic, I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing.  I gave up almost immediately, and went right on back to my classic eating style of eating whatever, whenever, and feeling obscenely guilty about it afterwards.  A new bonus: everyone knows I'm diabetic now, so when I'm doing good, and have a lil' something I probably shouldn't, I feel like everyone that sees it is watching me slit my own wrists, and they're judging.  What a LOVELY knew kind of feeling shitty to deal with. 

I struggled on my own, and finally reached back out to my doctor about getting some help with what I'm supposed to eat, and what balance I need to find to help me with some much-needed weight loss.  It took a few weeks, because I started this process over the holidays, but she ordered diabetic teaching for me.  I missed the call, but they left me a voicemail and said they'd mail me information.  I was relieved, because in person I've been telling everyone that it's going OK.  I swore I wouldn't lie about it anymore, to myself or anyone else, and I was right back in the pattern.  I'm likely to piss a few family members off with this post, since I'm being so candid about it. 

Turns out, I may not be getting what I need.  The cost of the GROUP classes is almost $900, and private appointments with a dietitian are even more expensive.  On top of that, the classes are taken over two days, 9-5, or several nights 4:30 - 8:30.  For those that aren't aware, I have two jobs (nice added stressor, time consumer, and excuse to not take care of myself).  It's a little difficult to take that kind of time off.  Time is NOT a commodity I have possession of.

I'm willing to make the time for the classes, but the cost is a huge problem.  I've sent an inquiry to my insurance company about coverage of the classes or appointments with a dietitian, as well as coverage of treatment for my binge eating disorder.  There's been a lot of financial stress in my family, hence taking up the second job again, and it causes the disorder to get worse.  I can recognize it, which I guess is good, but I can't seem to control myself, or make any changes.

Depending on what insurance covers, I may be on my own here, which TERRIFIES ME people!  I need help, and I need guidance, and direction.  I need to do battle with diabetes, and battle with binge eating disorder, and over the stress of the holidays, it's become VERY clear to me that to fight one I have to fight the other.  To admit it right now brings tears.  I don't know if I can do this.  I don't know if I can look myself in the mirror and work through all the things I have to work through.  I know I have to, but I'm mortified of what I'm going to find out about myself in the process.

If coverage isn't written in the policy, I'm going to be doing a lot of internet research about what I can and cannot eat, so if anyone has ideas about where I can get that kind of information (reliable sources) I'm open to suggestions.

Here's where I reach out for support:  I need ideas for inspiration that is NOT totally cheesy, or total bull shit.  Honestly, don't be surprised if a pinterest-inspired project featuring all the things people have said to me comes to fruition just to remind me that people are here for me. 

So my progress report is this:  I'm thinking about it constantly, and I've made some inquiries.  This is a slow process, and I need you all to be patient with me.  I'm in limbo for now, and I'll try to blog more frequently, and keep myself accountable.

Much Love,
Bekah

The Truth Comes Out...

Where to begin?  This blog isn't for the reader, although I suppose it would be nice if people read the things I'm going to all this trouble to write.  The blog is for me.  A way to hold myself accountable, and a way to keep everything out in the open.  I'm not going to hide myself away anymore, even though I'd rather not examine the many faults I have. I will ALWAYS tell the whole truth when I write on this page.

This blog is not supposed to be a bitch fest, although I'm sure there will be plenty of entries that are just that.  The truth is, I have a major journey ahead of me, and it's goig to be insurmountably difficult.  I don't know if I can do what needs to be done. I don't exactly have a lot of faith in myself anymore.

So the truth comes out...I didn't really intend to rush this entry.  I wasn't even sure if it would BE my first entry, but here goes:  I have diabetes.  I'm 32 years old, extraordinarily out of shape, I have a binge eating disorder, and I have diabetes.  I've been keeping the diagnosis a secret for awhile now.  My grandmother died earlier this year, and she suffered many complications from the disease.  I found out right after she died.  I didn't want to tell my family.  I did'nt want to scare them, and I didn't want to hear "I told you so," or see judgement passed in their eyes.   I'm terrified, and ashamed of myself all on my own.  I'm pretty much an open book to the people I know.  I wear my thoughts and emotions on my sleeve with few apologies.  It has been SO hard to keep this from everyone, and tonight on the phone I told my sister that isn't exactly the world's greatest secret keeper (she's knows I love her anyway!) prompting me to go ahead and get this over with.

I contracted a serious desease as the result of another serious disease.  In order for me to manage the diabetes, which is TOTALLY managable to a normal human, I have to first master my eating disorder.  Think of an addict trying to kick the habit, but turn it into food, and make it so that instead of getting to get rid of the junk altogether, you have to learn how to make it work for you.  You STILL have to have it, and you will ALWAYS be around it.  I can't explain it without getting all psycho, so here's a link to a website that can tell you more about the disorder: http://www.bedaonline.com/aboutBED.html. 

I have a six year old, and occasionally he becomes somewhat morbid, and starts talking about when I die.  It freaks me out a little, and he did it two nights ago right before I decided to let everyone know my secret, and start this blog.  My son looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'll be sad when you die."  I told him that it would be a very long time from now, which is a total lie if I don't start taking care of myself.  I recognized the lie for what it was when I said it, and I snapped, sobbing uncontrolably. I made a decision then and there that I have to change my lifestyle for good this time.  I'll take support from anyone I can, but I can't guarantee I won't punch someone in the mouth if I even perceive a version of "I told you so."

My plan is to start small.  Everytime I go "full throttle" on the weight loss/fitness/lifestyle change track, I burn out, and ultimately fail.  Failure is no longer an option, if I plan on being there for the kids.  reality has literally slapped me in the face, and I don't really wanna get bitch-slapped again.  I've already started cutting out soda (for good this time).  Oh, Dr. Pepper, how much I already miss you.  I know I'll still consume it on occasion, but I really am off of it habitually for almost a week.  HELLS YEAH!

Step two is to add more raw veggies to my diet.  I fucking hate vegetables.