Despite the title of this post, I regret to inform my readers that this is most definitely NOT a reference to the fantabulous New Kids on the Block single of yesteryear. This is about feeling lost, which is EXACTLY how I feel about my health right now.
I really should start at the last post - which was in November. I CANNOT even begin to express my gratitude towards everyone for the support I received "coming out" with my diagnosis. Each and every post made me cry, just when I thought that I was out of tears after telling everyone what was going on with me. It's great to know I have a support system when I really was thinking I was all alone. Just so you all know, I'm likely to call on you again for support, because I'm going to have a lot of days ahead that require a lot of support.
Since the last blog, I've been pretty decent staying off the soda. I've had a few lapses, but for the most part it's water, or diet, which makes me wanna barf. As for vegetables, and everything else, I've done horribly. I started out trying to watch my portions, and watch my sugars and carbs, like the doctor told me to. I ran into a problem right away. I can watch carbs and sugars all damn day long, but if no one tells me HOW MANY I should consume as a diabetic, I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing. I gave up almost immediately, and went right on back to my classic eating style of eating whatever, whenever, and feeling obscenely guilty about it afterwards. A new bonus: everyone knows I'm diabetic now, so when I'm doing good, and have a lil' something I probably shouldn't, I feel like everyone that sees it is watching me slit my own wrists, and they're judging. What a LOVELY knew kind of feeling shitty to deal with.
I struggled on my own, and finally reached back out to my doctor about getting some help with what I'm supposed to eat, and what balance I need to find to help me with some much-needed weight loss. It took a few weeks, because I started this process over the holidays, but she ordered diabetic teaching for me. I missed the call, but they left me a voicemail and said they'd mail me information. I was relieved, because in person I've been telling everyone that it's going OK. I swore I wouldn't lie about it anymore, to myself or anyone else, and I was right back in the pattern. I'm likely to piss a few family members off with this post, since I'm being so candid about it.
Turns out, I may not be getting what I need. The cost of the GROUP classes is almost $900, and private appointments with a dietitian are even more expensive. On top of that, the classes are taken over two days, 9-5, or several nights 4:30 - 8:30. For those that aren't aware, I have two jobs (nice added stressor, time consumer, and excuse to not take care of myself). It's a little difficult to take that kind of time off. Time is NOT a commodity I have possession of.
I'm willing to make the time for the classes, but the cost is a huge problem. I've sent an inquiry to my insurance company about coverage of the classes or appointments with a dietitian, as well as coverage of treatment for my binge eating disorder. There's been a lot of financial stress in my family, hence taking up the second job again, and it causes the disorder to get worse. I can recognize it, which I guess is good, but I can't seem to control myself, or make any changes.
Depending on what insurance covers, I may be on my own here, which TERRIFIES ME people! I need help, and I need guidance, and direction. I need to do battle with diabetes, and battle with binge eating disorder, and over the stress of the holidays, it's become VERY clear to me that to fight one I have to fight the other. To admit it right now brings tears. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can look myself in the mirror and work through all the things I have to work through. I know I have to, but I'm mortified of what I'm going to find out about myself in the process.
If coverage isn't written in the policy, I'm going to be doing a lot of internet research about what I can and cannot eat, so if anyone has ideas about where I can get that kind of information (reliable sources) I'm open to suggestions.
Here's where I reach out for support: I need ideas for inspiration that is NOT totally cheesy, or total bull shit. Honestly, don't be surprised if a pinterest-inspired project featuring all the things people have said to me comes to fruition just to remind me that people are here for me.
So my progress report is this: I'm thinking about it constantly, and I've made some inquiries. This is a slow process, and I need you all to be patient with me. I'm in limbo for now, and I'll try to blog more frequently, and keep myself accountable.
Much Love,
Bekah
