Where to begin? This blog isn't for the reader, although I suppose it would be nice if people read the things I'm going to all this trouble to write. The blog is for me. A way to hold myself accountable, and a way to keep everything out in the open. I'm not going to hide myself away anymore, even though I'd rather not examine the many faults I have. I will ALWAYS tell the whole truth when I write on this page.
This blog is not supposed to be a bitch fest, although I'm sure there will be plenty of entries that are just that. The truth is, I have a major journey ahead of me, and it's goig to be insurmountably difficult. I don't know if I can do what needs to be done. I don't exactly have a lot of faith in myself anymore.
So the truth comes out...I didn't really intend to rush this entry. I wasn't even sure if it would BE my first entry, but here goes: I have diabetes. I'm 32 years old, extraordinarily out of shape, I have a binge eating disorder, and I have diabetes. I've been keeping the diagnosis a secret for awhile now. My grandmother died earlier this year, and she suffered many complications from the disease. I found out right after she died. I didn't want to tell my family. I did'nt want to scare them, and I didn't want to hear "I told you so," or see judgement passed in their eyes. I'm terrified, and ashamed of myself all on my own. I'm pretty much an open book to the people I know. I wear my thoughts and emotions on my sleeve with few apologies. It has been SO hard to keep this from everyone, and tonight on the phone I told my sister that isn't exactly the world's greatest secret keeper (she's knows I love her anyway!) prompting me to go ahead and get this over with.
I contracted a serious desease as the result of another serious disease. In order for me to manage the diabetes, which is TOTALLY managable to a normal human, I have to first master my eating disorder. Think of an addict trying to kick the habit, but turn it into food, and make it so that instead of getting to get rid of the junk altogether, you have to learn how to make it work for you. You STILL have to have it, and you will ALWAYS be around it. I can't explain it without getting all psycho, so here's a link to a website that can tell you more about the disorder: http://www.bedaonline.com/aboutBED.html.
I have a six year old, and occasionally he becomes somewhat morbid, and starts talking about when I die. It freaks me out a little, and he did it two nights ago right before I decided to let everyone know my secret, and start this blog. My son looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'll be sad when you die." I told him that it would be a very long time from now, which is a total lie if I don't start taking care of myself. I recognized the lie for what it was when I said it, and I snapped, sobbing uncontrolably. I made a decision then and there that I have to change my lifestyle for good this time. I'll take support from anyone I can, but I can't guarantee I won't punch someone in the mouth if I even perceive a version of "I told you so."
My plan is to start small. Everytime I go "full throttle" on the weight loss/fitness/lifestyle change track, I burn out, and ultimately fail. Failure is no longer an option, if I plan on being there for the kids. reality has literally slapped me in the face, and I don't really wanna get bitch-slapped again. I've already started cutting out soda (for good this time). Oh, Dr. Pepper, how much I already miss you. I know I'll still consume it on occasion, but I really am off of it habitually for almost a week. HELLS YEAH!
Step two is to add more raw veggies to my diet. I fucking hate vegetables.
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